Tuesday 19 January 2010

revenge of teaser tuesday

Today I've taken off my jade-coloured glasses and turned the volume on the you-suck soundtrack down far enough to find at least one teaser-quality scene.

This week's teaser is from my YA urban fantasy DREAD MACHINE, opening line: "Every time I started at a new school I made myself a new person." It stars my favourite pathological liar, who will eventually be called Fox. This novel is my first attempt at first person and my first attempt at YA, so please feel free to critique.

Secondary character Daniel is (a) nice, (b) cute and (c) normal, which makes him both attractive and forbidden, like a stolen cookie. Om nom nom. :D

*


When I saw the smiley face painted on our red door I knew someone was going to get hurt.

Seeing it burned my throat like a gulp of tequila. I stopped so fast Daniel bumped into me.

The face on the door winked at me in a scrawl of cheerful yellow. The Smiling Woman was here. In my house. With my mother.

Terraced houses towered on either side. A street market coiled round us, a big colourful dragon covering movement and drowning sound. People shoved past me; any of them could be hers. Some old man picked up his cat and scuttled back into his house. My heart banged against my ribs and for a crazy moment I wanted to bolt too -- under a stall or something, anywhere tight enough to hide.

But the red door smiled at me. Mum was inside.

I stamped on a rising bubble of panic, tore my eyes off the smiley face and turned into a random stall, hitching my bag higher to hide my face. Racks of dolls stared back at me. My sleeve caught on an amulet of thorns hanging from the roof; when I tried to pull free I dragged a chain of them sideways, jangling chimes and tangling feathers. I fumbled with them one-handed.

“Here.” Daniel reached past me to untangle me, fingers warm and gentle. Poor stupid Daniel still thought everything was fine, I was some normal girl he could be sweet to, like anything good ever came of talking to me. Shouldn’t have let him hang around.

A stallkeeper glowered at us from behind a wall of blank doll faces. Obviously we were thieves, what else would school kids be doing around here. Screw him.

I shoved Daniel into the nearest wall. “Hey,” Daniel yelped, and then cut off when I leaned right into him -- so close our eyelashes tangled, his heart a skitter beneath my palm, breath hitching in his throat.

“Daniel,” I said in his ear. “Do something for me.”

“Er,” Daniel squeaked. “Okay. Sure?”

“Go home. Back to school. Wherever. You’ve walked me home, so -- we’re done here. Right?” I smoothed his shirt front and adjusted his tie, which seemed to rivet his attention. “Catch you tomorrow.” If I survived breaking into my own house and trying to kill the Smiling Woman.

“Right,” Daniel murmured back, hypnotised.

Score one for being a girl.

*


Other teasers: Jy'lenn, WritingDemons, Firedrake

25 comments:

  1. Wow, this is intriguing. Who is the Smiling Woman and why is she bad? Why does Fox lie all the time? How much of what she's doing now is an act? Very cool, Para!

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  2. Love the last line!

    the tension here is really good and I like the descriptions, it sets the mood really well.

    I feel a little lost, but I think that's because I don't know what happened before this... more likely it's probably the fact I'm wanting to eat...

    anywhos! you've done a great job setting the stage and I can't wait to read more!!!

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  3. Ahaha! That's awesome. It's amusing, and filled with tension, and has a great voice.

    Though I have to wonder what it is with YA main characters using alcoholic beverages to describe things. Maybe it was being raised in Utah, but do that many kids really drink?

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  4. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Fantastic. Have I mentioned what a great writer you are? Because you are. :)

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  5. I love it when you post teasers because I get the chance to tell you what a fabulous writer you are. Pity getting you to post teasers is like trying to get blood out of the proverbial stone. ;)

    I love this, I am sooo intrigued by the smiley face on the door. I love the descriptions and the slightly out-of-kilter way you describe things.

    Love, love, love this line:

    " ...so close our eyelashes tangled, his heart a skitter beneath my palm, breath hitching in his throat."

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  6. That first line is killer! I loved this, and so want to know what's going on. Excellent first attempt at 1st person and YA.

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  7. I love this!! And the last line is awesome!!

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  8. My favorite part was your first line! Great opening line for a book. It hooks me instantly! Your teaser was pretty awesome as line. The last line in that was a favorite as well.

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  9. Ahhh...love this! For some reason, this snip makes me think of Paint It Black by the Stones...maybe it's just me but that's what I think of it...which is a good thing. :)

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  10. Fantastic first line. Also love the description of the street like a dragon. Nice work!

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  11. What a totally ~kickass~ first line that is, seriously.

    I love the voice of this: so crisp and self-deprecating and irritated. And your gift for detail and flow is as evident as ever. Lovely, lovely stuff.

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  12. I love this! My mind is going mad with questions, especially Who is the Smiling woman!?!? The last line of the excerpt is amazing.

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  13. Hah, loved the symbolism of the smiley face on the red door - kind of reminded me of Watchmen where the Smiley Face = Not A Good Thing. Also, can't wait to read more about Fox, her voice + the combination or her being a pathological liar = incredible amount of potential. So there, you rock :D

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  14. Awesome! I especially like the character voice. Now stop thinking your work sucks because it doesn't.

    And the opening line... Everyone else's already mentioned that.

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  15. Oh wow! Lovely voice. I'd definitely come back for me and your details are great - eyelashes tangle, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!! Srsly, this can't be your first YA??? If you need another beta, PM me. :)

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  16. Dude--you rock YA and first person--srsly. The voice in this is amazing, and coupled with your awesome descriptions? Just--wow.

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  17. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! This was awesomeness :D

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  18. Totally great opening line!!! I was thinking...WHAT? Fantastic writing.

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  19. You have my attention :D I LOVE this! Who's the Smiling Woman? Why does she paint smiley faces on the outside of doors?

    Also, I like Daniel :)

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  20. The Smiling Woman. That is an awesome name for a villain, assuming that she is a villain.

    I want to read more! I love your MC's voice.

    Also, Daniel does sound delicious. :)

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  21. You're AMAZING Para. I'm so glad you're writing YA, you're definitely awesome at it.The voice is great for first person and <333 Daniel :D

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  22. I'm taking up a collection right now for LASIK eye surgery, and you're tossing those stupid f'ing glasses away for good now. Y'hear?

    Seriously, Para, you've got so many hooks here - the opening and last lines, the questions about the Smiling Woman. And you've simultaneously created a sympathetic MC who is willing to use her humor and sexuality in a pinch. ;) What's not to like?

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  23. This is fantastic! That last line is my favorite.

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  24. I think your MC's got a fantastic voice --very convincing and instantly drawing. I like the idea of her being a pathological liar. Can't wait to read more from this work of yours :))

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  25. The smiley woman. That description makes her scarier than your usual baddy. Lovely teaser tuesday

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